There isn’t a cookie cutter definition for
domestic violence. It’s an individual thing.
No matter how bad he has put youdown, there are people out there that care about you.
Like your family or friends, he has probably
pushed you away from. They will help you
get out of the bad situation. There is life
after domestic violence. There’s hope,
and there is a future.
What needs to be done to stop this cycle.
The cycle of generation after generation of
abusers. The children see it and repeat it.
But, the cycle of abuse is the periods of abuse
a victim goes through and the abuser gives
out. It starts out in the Green Stage. Also
known as the Honeymoon stage. They get
you under their control and everything is
good. They treat you like you are the most
important person in the world. They may
shower you with gifts. Then they move on
to the Yellow Stage, also known as the
Tension Building Stage. The abuser starts
finding flaws in the victim. Starts nitpicking,
gets moody, puts you down, starts arguments,
criticizes you, isolates you from family and
friends, and the lists goes on. This is the
verbal and emotional abuse that goes on.
Some victims this is all they ever experience
and then they don’t think of themselves as
victims of Domestic Violence but, this can be
worse than physical abuse. These scars don’t
fade away as fast as a bruise or cut. Then
comes the Red Stage, or the Acute Explosion.
This is where the abuser gets physical. This
can be different forms of abuse as well, it can
also be sexual and psychological abuse.
Threats of killing the victim or the children,
even themselves as manipulation.
The definition of "gaslighting" is to cause a
person to doubt his or her sanity through the
use of psychological manipulation.
Abusers tend to come in two forms, the
PITBULL or the COBRA according to
Dr Jacobsen and Dr. Grottman from their
book, “When Men Batter Women”. Pit Bull’s
tend to get angrier as the violence continues.
They are usually only violent around their
partner and in public very charming and
they usually tend to blame the victim (this
was my husband) and Cobra’s are usually
cool and collective while abusing, often
manipulative. They usually have criminal
backgrounds and are violent towards
everyone. They have little or no remorse for
what they do. (BRODY, 1998)
There are nine types of abusers according to
an article, “9 Types of abusers (many abusers fit into more than
Voice, a web blog.
The Narcissistic Abuser- is all about themselves, self
absorbed and selfish.
The Emotionally Needy Abuser- they lack self-esteem
and self-respect and need you to make them feel better
about themselves.
The Womanizing Abuser- one woman isn’t enough for
them, they are usually smooth talkers.
The Addictive Abuser- are abusive due to addictions
with alcohol, drugs,or other addictions.
The Mentally Ill Abuser- are abusive due to a mental illness they have.
The Chauvinistic Abuser- think that women are beneath
them, a lesser value in society.
The Martyr Abuser- this type of abuser tends to turn
everything they do around to you and makes people
think they are the victim not you.
The Perfectionistic Abuser- needs everything to be perfect. If it’s not,that’s what
sets them off. They rarely,if ever apologize for
anything they do wrong.
The Misogynistic Abuser- they hate women and will
do anything to hurt women. They have no empathy,
sympathy or compassion.
Abusers can be one, several, or all of these types of abusers!
To quote Meryl Streep from her Golden Globe
acceptance speech, “Disrespect invites disrespect.
Violence incites violence. When the powerful
use their position to bully others, we all lose.”
“How we treat those closest to us is of fundamental
importance. Violence, abuse, lack of civility,
and disrespect in the home are not acceptable—
not acceptable for adults and not acceptable for
the rising generation.” By Elder Quentin L. Cook, Quorum of the Twelve Apostles NOVEMBER 2012 Ensign “CAN YE FEEL SO NOW?”
It started out slowly, just arguments, with yelling
and screaming and him putting me down and
verbally abusing me. This actually is the worst
form of abuse, it destroys a person’s self-esteem
and usually is not observable to the outside world.
There’s no visible scars or bruises and the abuser is
usually only like that behind closed doors. In public,
he is sweet and charming, the one she married.
Richard G. Scott stated in Healing the Tragic Scars of
Abuse ((((((((((((((((((((((Citation HERE))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
“One awful result is a deepening lack of trust in others,
which becomes a barrier to healing.”
Verbal Abuse
Abuse Disguised As A Joke are jokes told at your expense that make you feel helpless
or humiliated. You feel you should laugh with everyone
else because they don’t see the abuse. Often, these jokes
come from abuse inflicted at home that your partner
wants to make light of in front of others.
Abusive Anger occurs when your partner does not use proper
communication techniques. Instead, your partner
throws a very scary tantrum complete with yelling,
hitting or breaking things, getting in your face, or
any other action that makes you freeze, flee, or
fight back.
Accusing and Blaming is a type of verbal abuse that puts the current situation
back on you as if you did something wrong. The abuser
accuses you of cheating (that’s a big one) or trying to make
him mad. The abuser blames you for whatever happened when
there’s no way you could control it.
Blocking and Diverting is a type of verbal abuse in which the abuser does not
let you get your point across usually because the abuser
diverts the topic to something else. Sometimes, blocking
means the abuser will not talk about what you want to talk
about. At all.
Countering happens when the abuser will not accept what you say. It is
different from disagreeing because countering can be so
irrational that it is not considered a disagreement.
Countering can make conversation so hard you stop offering
your opinion, which is what your abuser wants you to do.
Denial is a type of verbal abuse that is exactly as it sounds:
the abuser denies anything and everything, often to the point of irrationality like countering.
Deprivation or Withholding is a type of verbal abuse that involves little to no verbal
communication. The abuser pulls away from the victim
and won’t speak or touch or even acknowledge the victim
(or your needs) exists.
Discounting happens when the abuser takes away from what you think,
say or do so they do not have to face their poor behaviors.
If the abuser can make you feel less important, then maybe
you’ll leave them alone to do as they please.
Forgetting, especially forgetting things that are important to you, is
another way to covertly tell you that you are unimportant
or less than the abuser.
Judging and Criticizing is the type of verbal abuse in which the perpetrator
puts you down without trying to hide it. The abuser
will judge and criticize whether you’re alone or with
other people.
Name Calling is exactly what it sounds like and often the only type
of verbal abuse people understand to be abusive.
However, there is more to name calling than you may
think.
Ordering and Demanding occurs when your abuser tells you what to do and
expects you to do it now. There is no excuse for not doing it now.
Threatening Behavior and Words is verbal abuse that borders on physical violence and includes
overt threats to your safety (or your children, parents, pets, etc.)
Trivializing is a type of verbal abuse that takes away from your
accomplishments, actions or ideas.
Undermining occurs when your abuser goes behind your back to sabotage
you in some way.
*The types of verbal abuse listed above are from the
Third Edition: How to recognize it and how to respond by Patricia Evans, ISBN 1558505822, Adams Media
Corporation, 1996. I highly recommend reading this
book listing the types of verbal abuse and more!
So why did I stay and why do so many others tend
to STAY?
I took years of abuse from my Mother, my Father,
Ex husbands and many many others. I guess
I felt like I deserved it. Maybe it was my
punishment for being a bad girl. My
self-esteem had been crushed way too often
by the ones I thought were supposed to care
about me. I didn’t work, which is often the
case in these situations. I didn’t think I could
take care of my children properly on my own.
Robert would tell me, “You’re so stupid. You
can’t do anything right.” The biggest one—
and this bothers me—is that I wasn’t a good
cook. And he would say, “You can’t even boil
water.” One time I honestly forgot about
the pot on the stove, and the water boiled
out and caught fire. It was a one-time mistake,
but he’d constantly bring it up. When it’s
beaten into you, you feel like you really can’t
do anything. I wasn’t a good cook. I wasn’t a
good housekeeper. I wasn’t a good mom.
I wasn’t a good anything. That’s what he put in
my head. Every time I threatened to leave,
he said, “I’ll get full custody because you’re
so stupid you can’t do anything.” It’s taken
years of therapy to get where I feel good
about myself again.
I learned the first part of Healing is to Forgive
Yourself FIRST! ((((((((QUOTE THE FORGIVE
BOOK and CITATION))))))))Remember,
“It’s Not Your Fault!” and “There is Hope
and Help!”
Richard G. Scott said it best, “I solemnly
testify that when another’s acts of violence,
perversion, or incest hurt you terribly,
against your will, you are not responsible
and you must not feel guilty.”
A woman may fear her partner’s actions if
she leaves.
- My partner said he will hunt me down and kill me.
- My partner will kidnap the children and disappear.
- My partner will take my passport and immigration papers.
- My partner will spread horrible rumors about me.
- My partner will ‘out’ me at work or to my family.
- My partner will have me deported or report me to the INS.
- My partner will stop the processing of my Green Card.
The effects of abuse may make it difficult to leave.
- I’m nothing. I don’t deserve better.
- I feel paralyzed.
- I can’t face making decisions anymore.
- I am so used to life being this way.
- I’m more comfortable with what I know than
- the unknown out in the world.
A woman may have concerns about her children.
- My children will blame me and resent me.
- The kids need a father.
- My partner will tell my ex-spouse or
- authorities that I am a lesbian so they will
- take the kids.
- Children need a ‘real family.’
- My partner will steal the children.
- My partner will turn the children against me.
- My partner is the biological mother; I have no
- legal rights.
A partner’s attempts to isolate a woman may make
it difficult for her to leave or get help.
- My partner doesn’t let me out of the house.
- I have no friends to call for help anymore.
- My partner doesn’t let me take English
- classes so I can’t communicate with anyone.
- My sister said I couldn’t come and stay with
- her anymore after the last time.
- My partner said he or she would teach my
- friend a lesson if I go over there again.
- My partner hides my wheelchair so I cannot
- leave the house.
A woman’s personal history may have shaped
her attitude toward abuse in relationships.
- My father beat my mom—it just goes with
- being in a relationship.
- Getting hit isn’t the worst thing that can
- happen in a family—I know of worse things.
- I have seen a lot of violence in my country,
- so violence has become normal for me.
- My parents never gave up on one another.
A woman may be deeply attached to her partner
and hope for change.
- I believe my partner when he or she says that it will never happen again.
- My partner promised to go to therapy.
- I cherish the intimacy.
- My partner is really loving towards me most of the time.
- My marriage vows.
- My religion.
- I love my partner.
Some women are taught that it is their job
to maintain the relationship and support
their partners, so they may feel guilty
about leaving or feel they have “failed.”
- I will ruin my partner’s life if I leave.
- My partner will have nowhere to go.
- My partner will lose her or his job if I report this.
- My partner will start drinking again.
- I will disappoint my family. I can’t admit my relationship is a failure.
- I have to take care of my partner.
- My partner wouldn’t hurt me if I were better at keeping up the house.
Women may be economically dependent
on their partners, or their partners may
be economically dependent on them.
- My partner has all the money.
- I’ve never had a good job. How would I take care of my kids alone?
- I have no work experience in this country.
- It’s better to be beaten up at home than to be out on the streets.
- My partner won’t let me send any money overseas.
- My disability does not enable me to work.
- I’d rather die than be on welfare.
- My partner forces me to work and then takes all my money.
- My partner charges up all my credit cards.
- My partner can’t work—he depends on me to support him.
Our culture sends the message that a
woman’s value depends on her being in a
relationship. Women without partners
tend to be devalued.
- My partner keeps me together. I’ll fall apart if I leave.
- I have to have a man by my side.
- I would be disgraced in my community and bring shame to my family.
- People will call me a whore or sleazy.
- I’ll be an old maid.
- I’m afraid to be on my own.
(Domestic Abuse Project, 2018)
Even after I’d left him the night he tried to
choked me, rather strangled me(choking is
to have trouble breathing when something
is stuck in your airway or throat such as
choking on food or water but strangulation
is anytime another human being puts their
hands, arms or otherwise limits your air
intake). “Most abusers do not strangle to kill. They strangle
to show they cankill,” says Gael Strack and Casey Gwinn in the
American Bar Association’s Criminal Justice. However, it is important to realize, “When a victim
is strangled, she is on the edge of homicide.”
(Theresa's Fund, Inc., 2018)
Symptoms of Strangulation
Voice changes- raspy and/or hoarse voice, coughing,
unable to speak, complete loss of voice.
Swallowing changes- trouble swallowing, painful
swallowing, neck pain, nausea/vomiting,
drooling.
Breathing changes- difficulty breathing,
hyperventilation, unable to breathe.
Behavioral changes- restlessness or combativeness,
problems concentrating, amnesia, agitation,
Post-traumatic Stress Syndrome, hallucinations.
Vision changes- complete loss or black & white vision,
seeing ‘stars’, blurry, darkness, fuzzy
around the eyes.
Hearing changes- complete loss of hearing, gurgling,
ringing, buzzing, popping, pressure, tunnel-like
hearing.
Other changes- Memory loss, unconsciousness,
dizziness, headaches, involuntary urination or
defecation,
loss of strength, going limp.
Alliance for HOPE International. (2017). AFH
Facts
Victims of Strangulation v8.21.17 [Brochure]. San Diego, CA: Author. AllianceforHOPE.com
I was abused physically, sexually, emotionally,
psychologically, financially and spiritually.
He would hit, kick, punch, strangle, and pull
my hair. He forced sexual relations even when
I was asleep. He used name calling, threatening,
and using degrading remarks to crush my self esteem.
He forced me to do humiliating acts.
He did anything to maintain control over me. He would break items and throw things at me to keep me under his control by intimidating me. I was scared to death of him.
THE CHILDREN ARE ALWAYS AFFECTED!
According to Lundy Bancroft, a recognized
author, workshop leader and consultant on
domestic violence and child maltreatment,
the main risk to children during parenting
time does not come from exposure to new acts of violence. Instead, he asserts that there
is “far greater danger . . . of physical, sexual,
and psychological abuse [of the children]
by the batterer during visits. Children from
domestic violence are particularly vulnerable
psychologically because they are already
scarred by the violence they have been
exposed to.”(Bancroft, L., 1998) Bancroft identifies 20 factors courts should examine
in deciding whether to allow a batterer
unsupervised visitation with his children.
These include the abuser’s level of violence
and pervasiveness of control. Level of
entitlement and self-centeredness, history of
boundary issues, level of manipulativeness
and sexual assaults against the partner are
indicators of risk of sexual abuse of the
children. Bancroft suggests that because of
the complexities in assessing risk to children
from parenting time, a state-certified batterer
program is a valuable and underutilized
resource in evaluating perpetrators for risk.(Bancroft, L., 1998)
SIGNS OF ABUSE!
Some of the physical signs I had, besides bruises which were never in visible places to the public, were digestive problems, muscle aches, fatigue, headaches, leg weakness and lower back/neck pain. At one point they thought I had Multiple Sclerosis, I had all the symptoms for it. Some of the mental symptoms I had were depression, Negative attitude, low self-esteem, anxious behavior and some forgetfulness. The emotional signs of abuse I manifested were anxiety, depression, isolation, loneliness, and lashing out in anger. The financial signs were to always have to ask him to buy anything even to just pay the bills. Also, not having a job put me in a position of being stuck with him. He would have me write checks in the stores even when we didn’t have money in our account for such purchases. Then when we were notified of overdraft, he would refuse to let me pay it. I even had to go to court over one of these instances. The spiritual signs included emptiness, loss of faith, and feelings of helplessness. I’ve gone through alot of normal emotions in my healing process. Vulnerability, guilt, and shame. Feeling like I let this happen to me. Shutting down, I found out, was my way of dealing with things ever since I was a little broken child. Boundary issues, Isolation, Flashbacks, Sleep issues, Panic Attacks, Dissociation, and Overload. The feeling of being a failure in life and to my children.
So, what do I look for so I don’t get into another abusive relationship?
Red Flags
Question relationships with partners who:
- abuse alcohol or other drugs
- have a history of trouble with the law, get into fights, or break and destroy property
- don’t work or go to school
- abuse siblings, other family members, children or pets
- put people down, including your family and friends, or call them names excessively
- are always angry at someone or something
- try to isolate you and control who you see or where you go
- nag you or force you to be sexual when you don’t want to
- cheat on you or have lots of partners
- are physically rough with you (push, pull, yank, squeeze, restrain)
- take your money or take advantage of you in other ways
- accuse you of flirting or coming on to others, or accuse you of cheating on them
- don’t listen to you or show interest in your opinions or feelings
- things always have to be done their way
- ignore you, give you the silent treatment, or hang up on you
- lie to you, don’t show up for dates, maybe even disappear for days
- check out or make lewd comments about others in your presence
- blame all arguments and problems on you
- tell you how to dress or act
- threaten suicide if you break up with them
- experience extreme mood swings…tell you you’re the greatest one minute and rip you apart the next
- tell you to shut up or tell you you’re dumb, stupid, fat, or call you some other name (directly or indirectly)
- compare you to former partners or excessively bad mouth former partners
Question relationships if you:
- feel afraid to break up with them
- feel tied down, feel like you have to check-in
- feel afraid to make decisions or bring up
- certain subjects so that the other person won’t
- get mad
- tell yourself that if you just try harder and
- love your partner enough that everything
- will be just fine
- find yourself crying a lot, being depressed or
- unhappy
- find yourself worrying and obsessing about
- how to please your partner and keep them
- happy
- find the physical and emotional abuse getting
- worse over time
(Domestic Abuse Project, 2018)
30 Red Flags of Manipulative People
1. You feel on-edge around this person, but you still want them to like you. You find yourself writing off most of their questionable behavior as accidental or insensitive, because you’re in constant competition with others for their attention and praise. They don't seem to care when you leave their side—they can just as easily move on to the next source of energy.
2. They withhold attention and undermine your self-esteem. After first hooking you with praise and flattery, they suddenly become reclusive and uninterested. They make you feel desperate & needy, ensuring that you are always the one to initiate contact or physical intimacy.
3. Plasters your Facebook page with compliments, flattery, songs, and poems. They text you dozens, if not hundreds of times per day. You come to rely on this over-communication as a source of confidence.
4. Quickly declares you their soulmate. And for some reason, you don’t find it creepy. They tell you how much they have in common with you. On the first few dates, you do most of the talking and they just can’t believe how perfect you are for them.
5. Compares you to everyone else in their life. Ex-lovers, friends, family members, and your eventual replacement. When idealizing, they make you feel special by telling you how much better you are than these people. When devaluing, they use these comparisons to hurt you.
6. Lies & excuses. There is always an excuse for everything, even things that don’t require excusing. They make up lies faster than you can question them. They will always blame others—it is never their fault. They spend more time rationalizing their behavior than improving it.
7. No startle response. Total absence of anxiety, fear, and worry where there otherwise should be. They are also very easily bored by the familiar. You write this off as calm and cool, often feeling inferior and over-sensitive because you have normal human emotions.
8. Insults you with a condescending, joking sort of attitude. Smirks when you try to express yourself. Teasing becomes the primary mode of communication in your relationship. They subtly belittle your intelligence and achievements. If you point this out, they call you hypersensitive and crazy.
9. Uses social networking to provoke jealousy and rivalries while maintaining their cover of innocence. They once focused all of their attention on you, but now they post ambiguous videos and statuses to make you doubt your place in their heart. They bait previously denounced exes with old songs and inside jokes. They attend to new activity and ignores yours.
10. You find yourself playing detective. It’s never happened in any other relationship, but suddenly you’re scrolling back years on their Facebook page and albums. Same with their ex. You’re seeking answers to a feeling you can’t quite explain.
11. Surrounds themselves with former lovers and potential mates. Brags that their exes still want to sleep with him/her, but assures you there is nothing to worry about. These people make you feel jealous and give off the perception that your partner is in high-demand.
12. Hyperbolizes emotions while displaying none of them. They make passionate statements like “I’ve never felt so happy in my life” in a completely robotic voice. It sounds like an alien trying to explain how they imagine human emotions might feel.
13. You are the only one who sees their true colors. Others will think they're the nicest person in the world, even though they are used for money, resources, and attention. They won’t care because he/she strategically distracts them with shallow praise (often done over social networking). Psychopaths are able to maintain superficial friendships far longer than their relationships.
14. Accuses you of emotions that they are intentionally provoking. They will call you jealous after blatantly flirting with their ex over social networking for the world to see. They will call you needy after intentionally ignoring you for three days straight.
15. Cannot put themselves in your shoes, or anyone else’s for that matter. You find yourself desperately trying to explain how they might feel if you were treating them this way, and they just stare at you blankly.
16. You are engaged in constant conversations about their ex. You know them by name, and you know everything about their relationship—at least, your partner's version of events. The ex becomes one of the most frequent topics of discussion in your relationship.
17. You find yourself explaining the basic elements of human respect to a full-grown man/woman. Normal people understand the fundamental concepts of honesty and kindness. No adult should need to be told how they are making other people feel.
18. Focuses on your mistakes and ignores their own. If they're two hours late, don’t forget that you were once five minutes late to your first date. If you point out their mistakes, they will always be quick to turn the conversation back on you.
19. Suddenly and completely bored by you. Gives you the silent treatment and becomes very annoyed that you seem to be interested in continuing the passionate relationship that they created. You are now a chore to them.
20. The ultimate hypocrite. They have extremely high expectations for fidelity, respect, and adoration. After the idealization phase, they will give none of this back to you. They will cheat, lie, insult, and degrade. But you are expected to remain perfect.
21. Sometimes it seems as though they've forgotten who they're supposed to be around you. They adopt different personas for different people—transforming their entire personality to match various audiences. It’s always very eerie when they slip and accidentally use the wrong mask for you. You will start to feel that their personality just doesn’t seem to add up.
22. An unusual amount of “crazy” people in their past. Any ex-partner or friend who did not come crawling back to them will likely be labeled jealous, bipolar, an alcoholic, or some other nasty smear. They will speak about you the same way to their next target.
23. Flatters your deepest insecurities. If you’re self-conscious about your looks, they'll call you the sexiest person in the world. If you’ve got a need to entertain, they'll say you’re the funniest person they've ever known. They will also mirror your greatest fantasies, playing whatever role is necessary to win your heart.
24. Frequently comments about what you’re wearing and how you look. They try to arrange you. You become obsessed with your appearance, noticing flaws that likely don’t even exist. During and after the relationship, you will spend significantly more time in front of the mirror. (Thank you to our member, ckwanderlust, for these valuable insights).
25. You fear that any fight could be your last. Normal couples argue to resolve issues, but psychopaths make it clear that negative conversations will jeopardize the relationship, especially ones regarding their behavior. You apologize and forgive quickly, otherwise you know they'll lose interest in you.
26. Obsessed with humiliating successful, kind & cheerful people. Delighted by the idea of breaking up friendships and marriages. If you work hard to maintain interpersonal peace in your life, they will make it their mission to uproot all of it.
27. Gaslighting. Blatantly denies their own manipulative behavior and ignores evidence when confronted with it. They will become angry if you attempt to disprove their delusions with facts.
28. They expect you to read their mind. If they stop communicating with you for several days, it’s your fault for not knowing about the plans they never told you about. There will always be a self-victimizing excuse to go along with this.
29. Selfishness and a crippling thirst for attention. They drain the energy from you and consume
your entire life. Their demand for adoration is insatiable. You thought you were the only one who could make them happy, but now you feel that anyone with a beating pulse could fit the role. However, the truth is: no one can fill the void of a psychopath’s soul.
30. Your feelings. After a run-in with a psychopath, you will feel
insane, exhausted, drained, shocked, suicidal,
and empty. You will tear apart your entire life—
spending money, ending friendships, and
searching for some sort of reason behind it all.
From the Psychopath Free book, now available
Law Enforcement and Domestic Violence
Due to most States Mandatory Arrest Laws, officers are to arrest one if not both parties in a domestic violence call. They are to arrest the person who is the predominant aggressor. But, what does this mean? “Predominant aggressor” means the most significant, but not
necessarily the first, aggressor in a domestic abuse incident. But, what isn’t always being considered is this offensive or defensive wounds? An injury resulting from a person acting in self defense is neither abuse nor a crime. According to a powerpoint by Liz Odongo Training Director DC Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Offensive wounds: cuts or bruising to the face, torso, or head Defensive wounds: cuts, bruising, bite marks and scratches to the forearms or hands. (Odongo, L, 2009) Biting is a legitimate form of self-defense, the International Association of Chiefs of Police, Domestic Violence: Model Policy, 2006 says that : An injury resulting from a person acting in self-defense is neither abuse nor a crime. OTHER EXAMPLES TO BITING are: In an article titled, “What to do if you're attacked on a run” by Andrea K. McDaniels a Contact Reporter for The Baltimore Sun, she writes “Williams threw his partner, Lindsey Collins, on the ground and demonstrated how she could free herself. He instructed Collins to use her feet as a weapon to kick him in the face, groin or wherever she could aim. Collins drove her hips into the air to gain leverage to escape his grip. Williams also suggested elbowing the attacker in the stomach and biting. "It's just not any bite," Williams said. "It's a bite where the person starts to worry about their personal safety."
In another source from the Wharton County Junior College Office of Security and Public Safety, they posted Safety Tips
- If you think fighting back/struggling may discourage the attack, remember you must hurt the attacker bad enough to create the time you need to escape. Consider scratching with your fingernails, biting, poking in the eyes, kicking in the knee or groin, hitting on the nose or jabbing the eyes and throat.
On a chat page I found some comments were:
“Biting somebody in a fight, when given the opportunity, is a game changer. The psychological effect of taking a chunk out of somebody with your teeth will shock your opponent. It will take the wind out of their sails, turning the fight in your favor, if not end it immediately.” In an article titled “The Self Defense Effectiveness of Brutally BITING an Attacker in a Street Fight” dated Sunday, April 4, 2010. The author says “Today I will share five reasons why BITING AN ATTACKER can be so effective in a street self defense situation”. Lack of wounds on a victim is also not reason to assume they are the aggressor. In Wisconsin State S. 968.075(3) (a) l.d A statement emphasizing that a law enforcement officer’s decision not to arrest under this section may not be based solely upon the absence of visible indications of injury or impairment. Also in S. 939.48(1) The actor may intentionally use only such force or threat as he/she reasonably believes is necessary to prevent or terminate the interference.
So in conclusion, use compassion and empathy and really listen and watch for non verbal language to determine who is the real victim in the situation. By arresting the victim, it will only cause more harm to the victim and lack of trust with the legal system.
Richard G. Scott stated in Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse, “You must understand that you are free to determine to overcome the harmful results of abuse.”
Think of yourself as a thriver and a survivor. Don’t be a victim anymore. It’s a rough road, but you can be in a good place.
So what can you do to help a friend or loved one in this situation? First and foremost, believe them!
So be understanding and don’t push them and let them make their own decisions. But, remain their friend!
What You Can Do to Help:
• Say something. Lend a listening ear. Tell your friend that you care and are willing to listen. Don’t force the issue, but allow your friend to confide in you at her/his own pace. Never blame your friend for what is happening or underestimate her/his fear of potential danger. Focus on supporting your friend’s right to make her/his own decisions. Don’t judge them!
• Become informed. Find out all the facts you can about domestic violence. Contact offices that address sexual and domestic violence, or contact the local program(s) in your area
that assist victims of domestic violence. Look for books about domestic violence in your local library. Visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline website at http://www.thehotline.org/ and/or call the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).
• Guide your friend to community services. Gather information about dating/domestic violence programs in your area. These programs offer safety, advocacy, support, legal information, and other needed services. If your friend asks for advice on what s/he should do, share the information you’ve gathered. Let your friend know your s/he is not alone and people are available to help. Encourage her/him to seek the assistance of dating/domestic violence victim advocates. Assure her/him that they will keep information confidential.
• If your friend decides to end the relationship... Help her/him make a plan to be safe. S/he may want to call a local domestic violence hotline to help create a “safety plan”. (See at the end of Resources Section.) Domestic violence programs can help her/him look at her/his options and make a plan to be as safe as possible. Victims of dating violence may face the greater risk when they try to end the abusive relationship. If the abusive person feels s/he has lost control, s/he may become very dangerous.
• Focus on her/his strengths. Your friend has probably continually been told by the abusive person that s/he is a bad person, a bad student, or a bad friend. Your friend may believe s/he can’t do anything right and that there really is something wrong with her/him. Give her/him emotional support. Help her/him examine her/his strengths and skills. Emphasize that
s/he deserves a life that is free from violence.
This document has been adapted several times by several organizations and originated with “Helping The Battered Woman, A Guide For Family And Friends,” a 1989 publication of the National Woman Abuse Prevention Project. (U.S. Dept of Justice, 1996)
We need to start education against violence early on in children’s lives. I know it’s happening but it needs to be a priority in our society to make change! “Education is the Vaccine for Violence.” Edward James Olmos
What Can We Do About Domestic Violence?
Parents Can:
- Be positive role models.
- Turn off television violence.
- Explain to their children the acceptable ways to deal with anger.
- Encourage their children’s teachers, coaches, and community leaders to promote nonviolent solutions to problems.
- Listen to children and encourage them to discuss their feelings, needs, and wants.
Kids Can:
- Treat each other with respect.
- Turn off television violence.
- Deal with anger in a positive way.
Teachers Can:
- Develop curriculum for boys and men to help them understand their role in healthy relationships.
- Seek training to help recognize and assist abuse victims, including children who are witnesses to domestic violence.
- Create an atmosphere for respectful discussion of harassment and abusive behavior.
Business Leaders Can:
- Audit the workplace to ensure that inappropriate attitudes about violence, abuse, and degrading behavior are not tolerated.
- Offer training and counseling on issues of domestic violence, abuse, and sexual harassment.
- Provide information on how and where to get help in times of stress, need, or actual violence.
- Engage in Corporate Partnership as a business with DAP or a local domestic abuse program.
Employees Can:
- Refuse to participate in derogatory jokes or stories about women, rape, or violence.
- Treat each other with respect in the workplace and tolerate differences among co-workers.
- Learn about different racial and ethnic cultures and customs.
Religious Leaders Can:
- Speak out against domestic violence.
- Assist victims in their religious community who must escape from abusive or violent environments.
- Offer resources to religious community members who may be perpetrators or victims of domestic abuse to assist them in seeking help.
- Seek training to enable them to recognize and assist children in violent and abusive environments.
Civic Organizations Can:
- Examine messages promoted within their organization regarding women, minorities, and children.
- Encourage awareness of domestic abuse.
- Promote humane and just treatment for all community members.
Youth Organizations Can:
- Begin discussions about family and personal relationships that focus on respect, understanding and positive behavior.
- Identify and confront potential aggressors about unacceptable behavior.
- Seek training for leaders so they can recognize and assist victims of harassment or abusive behavior.
- Initiate projects that reward positive behavior and seek to eliminate negative images of different groups in society.
Criminal Justice Workers Can:
- Examine policies and practices regarding domestic abuse and sexual assault.
- Analyze actual and perceived consequences to the perpetrator of abusive and violent behavior.
- Study how the system treats victims of harassment, abuse, or violence.
(Domestic Abuse Project, 2018)
You may not think of yourself as an advocate for Domestic Violence
or Violence in general. Maybe you don’t have the education
or training but, if you’re reading this you are already an
advocate against Domestic Violence, Sexual Abuse, or any
other form of violence. Start by finding out who your local,
state and national politicians are. Get to know them and
they’re staff personally. So when there is a situation you
agree or disagree with,you can contact them and voice
your opinion and they'll know who you are. Most
importantly, REMEMBER to always VOTE in every election.
EVERY vote DOES count!
I have found my VOICE! I’m an open book.
Still, things come up that are raw, and
I get emotional. But that’s just part of the
experience. I would never wish this on
anyone, but for me personally, I look at the
positive things. I am stronger, more
independent, and more willing to help others. I’m not one to quit when things get difficult, maybe that’s why I stayed in an abusive relationship for so long. Even after I’ve left it has been a struggle emotionally, financially, and spiritually. It’s been a long road and a lot of faith building moments but I have become a stronger woman because of all this. I’m stronger than I ever knew I could be. I’ve realized that I am not alone in this journey, that I have plenty of people to support me and help me through this process! I want to show everyone in my life that I can overcome anything. My faith has grown tremendously through all my trials and I have learned to put my trust in God’s hands. I have become who I was meant to be my whole life! I have success,hope and freedom! I have learned to have Hope even when it’s hard to see.
I can honestly say I am not a victim anymore,
I AM a SURVIVOR and a THRIVER!
With God’s love I will continue to grow
stronger everyday.
© Copyright 2017 - 2019 laurelstrialsandblessings
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